My Testimony
I have been thinking about how to include my story of how I came to know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior in this blog since I began writing it back in October 2007. I wasn’t sure I could do a good job of it without writing a novel, but I am going to attempt to cover the important elements that I believe brought me to the place I needed to be for God to shine the light of truth on my heart and reveal to me how much I needed Him.
My parents became Christians when I was about 4 years old. They have a history that makes most soap operas look boring, so their conversion to a life dedicated to holiness was truly miraculous. Which means I was raised in a Christian home, in church, with most of my close friends being church kids and from missionary families. I loved the life- listening to preaching, memorizing Scripture, and having a loving and stable home life. I went forward during a service when I was 6 years old, probably because my older brother went forward, and anything he could do I could do better.
Looking back on our lives we see all these pivotal moments, and my first was when my father died of a heart attack on Thanksgiving Day, one month before my 13th birthday. I was standing beside him while he was looking at my report card- and I swear it was all A’s- really. He slumped over and he was gone. We took turns performing CPR during the 40 minutes it took for the ambulance to get there (when I say we lived in the sticks, I mean we lived in The Sticks). He was dead on arrival, and of course, it broke my heart.
I went to a Christian school from 7th grade on, and took it for granted that I would go to a Christian college and take a couple of years to ‘find myself’ before I made any commitments to a course of study or career. I made good grades and stayed out of Big Trouble. Yeah, yeah- I was in detention all the time, but that’s another story entirely. I did end up going to Bible college, meeting my husband there, and we started our lives together working in various aspects of ministry.
My dh and I were burning out without realizing it. We threw ourselves on every spiritual grenade that came our way, but the result was that we became hurt and bitter, not having the maturity to properly process the downsides to ministering to people with real problems, as well as dealing with the shortcomings of those who were our mentors. This would be why Paul warns Timothy (1 Timothy 3:6) not to allow novices into the ministry. Our pride stopped us from stepping down or getting help when we really needed it, or even realizing our condition as being spiritually in peril.
So our marriage started coming apart, my dh slipped back into substance abuse, and we were headed for destruction. I couldn’t believe that this was my life- how did I get there? It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I felt betrayed and abandoned- by family who wouldn’t tell my dh to get his act together and do right by his wife and child, by folks who were supposed to be able to help us but turned the other way, and by God, who in my opinion wasn’t paying much attention to my plight.
I have read my Bible every day since I could read, and so one morning at my kitchen table with my Bible and my coffee, I started reading 1 Peter 3, and I swear verse 12 was not in there the last time I read it- “For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.” So God and I began this little conversation.
“Me? Evil? Look- I have memorized entire chapters of the Bible, taught Sunday school for years, been a leader and a speaker and in every church position you care to name, including the janitor but excluding pastor.”
“But what about what I did for you?”
“I know what You did for me- You died on the cross, and that was great and all, but I have to be saved because I have done all the right things all my life!”
“But what about what I did for you?”
“I get it, I get it- but You aren’t listening to me> I love church, I love the Bible, I am a GOOD PERSON who does not deserve all this trouble!”
“No- you aren’t listening to Me- what about WHAT I DID FOR YOU?”
And it struck me that I was holding up the filthy rags of my righteousness in the face of an Almighty God and actually comparing my good works to His Holiness and my trials to His substitutionary death on the cross to pay my sin debt so that I could experience redemption and eternal life. Right then and out loud I said, “I’m not saved.” I was gulping like a goldfish that fell out of its bowl, and managed to sqeak out, “Lord, save me!”
And isn’t that how it is? When we come to the realization of who we are and who He is, we don’t have eloquent words or impressive prayers- I wanted Him to know ASAP that I acknowledged my lost condition and that He needed to get busy saving me real quick!
Now I joke about how I knew all these verses by heart, had studied the Bible for years, and when it came to praying for salvation the best I could do was “Lord, save me!” What a dork. But that is all He wants from us- to see ourselves as we are, and know who He is and claim the salvation He provided for us as our own gift from Him.
What can we possibly do to impress our Creator?
Isaiah 57:15 For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
